Unconditional
by AddictedToStory
Summary: Beck notices that Jade is acting different after they get back together and he's determined to find out what's wrong. Once he learns that Jade has been battling some serious mental illnesses, he has to figure out how to help her- and what that means for their relationship. Bade.
1. How Difficult it Gets

**Trigger Warning: This story will explore anxiety and depression in depth. There are no graphic depictions of self harm and I will make it clear if that changes, but it still may be triggering.**

* * *

_"I don't know what's going to happen to us. [...] But I do know this: I'm all in, here and now, until I'm dead in the dirt. No matter how difficult it gets, [...] I'll be yours."  
-Beau Taplin_

He really didn't think anything of it when he picked up her phone to turn off an alarm that had started blaring. He used to use her phone all the time before their break up and, while he knew their dynamic had changed quite a bit since getting back together, he figured that was one part of their relationship that wouldn't change. So, of course, he was surprised when Jade practically launched herself across his lap to grab the phone from the nightstand before he could even look at it. She quickly shut off the alarm and tossed the phone towards the foot of the bed like it had burned her.

She ignored Beck's questioning look as she got out of bed and walked into her bathroom. The lazy atmosphere in her room that afternoon had effectively been broken and Beck found himself missing it immensely already.

When Jade came back into the bedroom, she couldn't meet his eye and he felt the heartache he had been so familiar with during their breakup all over again. Despite the numerous problems in their relationship, they never used to have secrets and they never used to be embarrassed around each other. He hated to think that they may never be in that good a place again. He hated to think that it was his fault; that ten seconds of doubt cost him that comfort and security he always used to count on around her.

She slid back into bed and pulled the covers up around her, but this time she stayed as far away from him as she could get. And that was pretty far considering that she had a king sized bed. _The Scissoring _continued playing on her laptop, but he wasn't really watching anymore and he could tell she wasn't either; she didn't react at all when Tawny stabbed Jack in the middle of the kiss that sealed their marriage.

* * *

Jade stayed quiet and detached throughout the entire school day. She accepted her coffee without giving him a kiss, stored her calc textbook in her own locker instead of his, and sat next to Cat in improv. The final straw came when she showed up late to lunch and wedged herself in between Cat and Andre at the table. Beck waited to talk about it until after the bell rang so he didn't draw even more of their friends' suspicion. They'd been working on making their fights less public.

Once everyone had hurried off towards their lockers, Beck grabbed her arm and pulled her into the janitor's closet. Jade didn't make any protests while he dragged her through the crowd, but she immediately rounded on him once the door was closed.

"What the hell, Dude?"

Beck didn't bother apologizing because he wasn't really all that sorry. He just launched into the speech he had been working on all morning. "Look, J, do I want to know what was up with the alarm? Of course I do. But I don't care about that nearly as much as I care about the fact that you haven't talked to me all day. You don't have to tell me what that was about, I'll respect your privacy. But please, Baby, don't shut me out just cause you feel embarrassed or afraid to talk to me or something. No shame, I promise."

She was quiet for a long time before she looked up from the floor and, when she did, Beck was met with a much harsher glare than he had been expecting. She still didn't say anything, though, and was saved from the pressure to do so by the warning bell. She pushed past him and out into the hall, not bothering to wait for him as she headed to their shared dance class.

* * *

He got the text at about two in the morning the next day. Luckily for him, he was finding sleep just as difficult as she obviously was and noticed the quiet buzzing on the nightstand beside him.

_Can I come over?_

He immediately released a breath and his head stopped spinning. His reply was almost instantaneous.

_course. doors unlocked_

He waited with bated breath for twenty minutes until he finally heard her mom's Escalade pull up behind the RV. Only a few seconds later, the door swung open and Jade rushed in. She stopped abruptly in the middle of the room, looking from him to the floor and then back to him, as if she had no idea what to do next. She started pacing, wringing her hands together and pausing intermittently to rake her nails down her arms or bite at her thumbnail. It was several minutes before she said anything, but Beck wasn't going to push her. Not just yet, anyway.

Finally, she took a deep breath- that she ended up choking on- and started talking. "After we broke up, I wasn't doing so well. I know you weren't either and I know it's normal to be upset over a breakup, but this was, like, way more intense than it should have been. Like, I couldn't stop my brain from spinning long enough to form any coherent thoughts and- and every time I thought even a little bit about the future, all I could see was, like, blackness- nothing concrete or good or normal. I would start hyperventilating whenever I tried to fall asleep or- or whenever anything reminded me of you and I never actually cried, but I felt like I was constantly about to. I couldn't do anything without panicking. My mom finally took me to a therapist after I punched a wall because she told me we were out of juice and- and- I mean, it wasn't just cause of the break up. Like, I'm not some needy little girl who can't be alone or threatens suicide the second she has relationship issues. I had these issues before, I think. I know I've had panic attacks before. You just, sort of, calmed everything down- and then you were gone and I didn't know how to handle that. So, anyway, the therapist gave me these meds and there's a lot of them that I have to take, like, three times a day and the alarm on my phone was to remind me and I couldn't not take them or just do it later because it throws everything off balance, but I didn't want to tell you yet because I was scared you'd be, like, freaked out and want to leave again. You're right, though, I can't freeze you out. And I wanted you to know, I was just scared."

When she stopped talking, her breathing was shallow and tears slid down her cheeks, but she didn't move. She just waited, frozen, for his reaction. He didn't say anything, just pulled her gently towards him until she realized he wasn't going to throw her out and fell into his lap, shaking with sobs. He hugged her tightly and rocked her back and forth until she stopped crying and her breathing evened out. He repeatedly told her that he loved her and that he wasn't going anywhere in the most calming, steady voice he could manage. It wasn't until she finally calmed down enough to pull away from him and look at his face that she realized he had been crying too.

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**Hi! It's been a while, but I should have quite a few things to post now.**

**This story is going to be a bit darker than some of my others, but it's an important one for me to write and I decided to post it in case it could help anyone else.**

**I have done pretty extensive research, but this story is largely based on my own experiences with mental health problems (much less severe that Jade's will be and not professionally diagnosed or treated). I know that everyone's experiences are very different, so please let me know if I get something wrong or if an aspect of the story seems unrealistic or problematic. **

**Hopefully I will be able to post some more fluffy stuff later tonight.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**-J**


	2. When You are Happy

**Trigger Warning: This story will explore anxiety and depression in depth. There are no graphic depictions of self harm and I will make it clear if that changes, but it still may be triggering.**

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"_I urge you to please notice when you are happy."  
__-Kurt Vonnegut_

When Jade woke up later that morning, she did so naturally, with no alarm or annoyingly persistent boyfriend armed with coffee and kisses. She heard soft clicking beside her and rolled over to see that Beck was awake, sitting against the headboard and reading something on his laptop. He didn't notice she was awake until she curled closer into him and leaned her head against his thigh, pressing a kiss to the area closest to her lips through his flannel pajama pants. His hand automatically moved to her hair and started stroking it gently.

She squinted hard to see what he was reading- no glasses or contacts just yet- and her heart sped up when she saw that he was reading an article about anxiety. Once she had caught her breath last night, she had told him the specifics of her diagnoses; she had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, and mild Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. She had also told him more about her medications, a cocktail of antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, and SSRIs. Those, added to her birth control and the pain meds she took during her periods, left her with three separate pill organizers filled to the top with tiny, colorful pills.

Beck had handled the news with an ease Jade wasn't expecting, at least in the sense that he never once considered ending things. In another sense, he took it pretty hard; he cried almost as much as she had, apologizing over and over for not realizing she was hurting and for anything he might have done to make it worse. They had finally fallen asleep around four AM, holding each other as tightly as they could.

The overwhelming love and admiration Jade had felt for her boyfriend came back in full force when she read each of the tabs open on his laptop, seeing that he was researching her illnesses, medications, and even how to help her cope.

"Morning, Love," he said softly when he had reached the bottom of the page. He closed the computer and tossed it gently towards the foot of the bed, letting Jade lay her head more fully in his lap.

"You're amazing," she whispered and he shook his head, not that she could see.

"No, I'm the idiot who went out with you for three years and never realized how much you were dealing with. Hopefully I'll do better this time."

"You already are."

* * *

They skipped school that day and spent the morning watching all of the feel-good movies that Jade actually liked. There weren't many, but they did exist, mostly in the forms of musicals and sci-fi. Around noon, they went out to get smoothies, taking the long way home so Jade could listen to more of her music. They played _Guess Who?_, _Scrabble, The Game of Life, _and several rounds of _Uno_. Beck went along with all of Jade's improvised 'rules' and just generally let her do whatever she wanted. He actually had a lot of fun and kind of felt bad for fighting her so hard on stuff like that before.

They brought Jade's phone on their trip to get smoothies, for music and for safety, but otherwise didn't touch their phones all day. Beck knew he would have a few texts and maybe some missed calls from Tori, but he pushed the thoughts away in favor of focusing on Jade. She seemed okay. Light. Happy. He knew there would be good days and bad days, but honestly, he would go through hell with Jade for a few good days like this.

* * *

It turns out, the very next day was one of the worst Beck had seen. She was completely silent all morning, refusing all attempts at conversation and glaring at him when he tried too hard to get her to respond. He noticed her tapping her fingers aggressively on anything that was close, her thigh, wrist, arm, book bag, desk, chair, lunch tray. He tried once to hold her hand when he caught her doing it, but she ripped it out of his grasp quickly and immediately moved as far away from him as she could get without actually leaving. When she wasn't being silent, she was yelling at people who most definitely didn't deserve it and threatening to commit impossible acts of violence whenever she was even mildly inconvenienced.

He found out quickly that she was trying hard not to scream at him, hence the silence, but reached a point where she couldn't stop herself if he pushed her too hard. He knew she hadn't eaten at lunch and was trying to get her to agree to stop somewhere on the way home. At first she actually said no, then just shook her head, and eventually stopped responding all together. He must have suggested one too many places, though, because she suddenly started yelling more harshly than she had in the entire two weeks since they got back together.

"Seriously, Beck, just stop! I don't wanna go anywhere! God, could you leave me alone for like five seconds? Being with you is exhausting. I swear, if I had the energy, I'd wrestle the wheel away from you and drive us off a cliff!" She sat back in her seat with a huff, crossing her arms and legs way too tightly to be comfortable.

"I-I'm sorry, J. I'll stop now, alright? We can talk when you're ready."

Normally, he would yell back or, at the very least, keep badgering her. But that had broken them up and he wasn't about to risk that again. Maybe it was better to try to understand. To give her space and time and let her work through her emotions without adding any more fuel to the fire. Maybe it would work better that way.

The rest of the evening was completely silent. Beck followed Jade's lead and spent a few hours doing homework before making Ramen noodles for dinner and watching _Wheel of Fortune_ (him on the couch and her on the bed) until it transitioned into _The Price is Right_. At that point, Jade switched the TV off and pulled the comforter over herself. Beck cleaned up the dishes and turned the lights off before stopping awkwardly in the middle of the room, suddenly unsure of himself.

Before the breakup, they would still fall asleep together during fights. It kept them from getting too emotionally distant or overtired, as those things tended to make an argument worse. Before, he would have had no problem crawling in bed next to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. Before, he wouldn't worry that it would make her uncomfortable. But now, he couldn't help wondering if the space would help her. Deciding that he didn't want to risk making the situation worse, Beck tugged an extra blanket out from under his bed and curled up on the couch. He would give her space, but she could always close the distance if she wanted to.

He wasn't really sure how long he spent staring at the RV ceiling, but he knew that it was at least a few hours and that he hadn't once managed to fall asleep. That turned out to be a good thing, though, because it meant that he was fully awake when Jade got up from the bed and shuffled over to him, the comforter wrapped around her shoulders. The couch was small, so she tossed his blanket onto the floor (because she knew he would be too hot with two) and climbed on top of him, burying her face in his chest. He wrapped both arms around her almost automatically and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Love you," he mumbled, finally noticing how tired he was.

"Sorry about today." It was so quiet, Beck wouldn't have been able to hear if she was even slightly farther away from him. He kissed her hair again.

"S'okay. I can take it."

"I love you. Seriously. Thank you."

One more kiss and they were both out cold.


End file.
